As I was walking down Rue Bonaparte, I came across one of the restaurants my cousin, Phill, and I used to hang out in. It’s called Le Pre Aux Clercs. There’s nothing particularly special about this restaurant. We both agreed that it was a nice place to hang out and semi-immerse ourselves in the french culture. The french culture that we did not exactly or particularly cared about. We would usually sit outside (along Rue Jacob) and have our coffee or tea. Sometimes, we would order food. I was reminiscing about all those times we ate there and I felt a wave of sadness come over me because I realized how long it has been since I have entered there. I didn’t enter the restaurant today. I walked passed it. I didn’t bother looking back even because I did not want to bring myself into more sadness. Although, as I started walking down Rue Jacob to get to Alain Brieux (that’s where I parked my car) I had a short visual of Phill and I sitting outside Clercs. I saw us laughing about something. I saw his smile and heard his laughter after a long time. I tried pushing it away but a part of me did not want to forget again. A part of me wanted to remember every aspect because I realized how much I have been missing him. It hasn’t been that long since he passed away, even if it may seem long for others. I still miss him. I sometimes tell my parents how much I regret not seeing him the day he passed away. I was supposed to play in the park with him and Gareth, but I decided not to go on the last minute. If I had a regret, it would be that. I regret not seeing him on that day. He passed away rather quickly and I didn’t get my chance to say goodbye. I would like to admit that I did not get any closure from him, I want to know why you gave up so quickly. I’m not angry at him. I just wish he explained things better on that week. I wish he told me something was terribly wrong. 

Phill meant so much to me and it was exactly like losing a brother. He was the one cousin that I really got along with because for me, he opened up the world of music, literature, culture, philosophy, and many more. Other than my immediate family, he taught me how to enjoy my life and be an awesome teenager. I wasn’t a bad kid nor was I a trouble-maker but he did bring a lot of excitement and color into my life and that is exactly what I miss. I miss his really shallow humour. I miss his witty comments. I miss him picking me up and taking me out for lunch or dinner, where we talk about the many things that popped up in his head. I miss him teaching me how to play the guitar. I miss him teaching me how to sing. I miss the sleepovers wherein we battled each other out in Tekken. I miss surfing with him. I miss travelling with him. I miss so many things about him and until this day, I feel like I was left hanging. I accept his death, but I have not accepted my loss. 

Losing Phill is my greatest loss. I have never felt anything more painful than losing someone that important to me. I have never experienced the dreadful and gloomy days of accepting someone close to me dying. I still cannot believe I got through it because I remember all the agony and sadness that filled my world when I was told that he passed away. I remember mom hugging me so tight as I cried in the hospital. I remember waking up the next day and realizing that he was gone and I would never see him again. I remember his service and what I wrote for him when I stood up on the pedestal to say my eulogy: “He once told me that one day he was going to be happy. This is your time to be happy, Phill. You’re finally in the hands of the Lord Almighty and he will love you more than anyone else did here on earth. You did your part and I guess it was time for you to go, that’s okay because you saved more people than you could have ever imagined. You saved me and I’m sorry for never telling you that out loud. You saved me by protecting me from the evil that surrounded me. You saved me by helping me figure out my place in this world. You saved me by being my best friend because you never left me when I needed you most. Thank you. You have moved on to the next life and there is only one thing that I wish you grant me. I wish that you become my guardian angel until it’s my turn to leave because you were always an angel on earth and it would be great if you continued to do what you did best. I love you and I will never forget you. You don’t deserve to be forgotten. You’ve left a glorious mark on everyone in this church.”

Cafe Style Kitchen

3:17am?! I feel extraordinarily happy now because I hung out with my cousins this evening. I enjoy how time flies by so quickly when you’re having fun! Thank you Lord for this blessing because I understand how the little joys in life are the keys to happiness! 

@monsieur-rocketship: This is you. Hahahaha! 

This is a scale model of a house that I had to do for school. I didn’t enjoy this one because the type of house that I chose was too dreadful and hectic. Hahaha, I finished it though. 

If I ever date a bitch, I will end up being miserable and pathetic. I don’t have the balls to date a bitch.

I pray to the Lord that you have the eyes to see what he is worth. He is worth more than your life and my life combined. I cannot express what I truly feel about this moment, but I do pray that you see what he is worth. I pray that you lessen your psychotic assumptions and rude mentality when it comes to him, because he is a good person. He may have the most ridiculous mannerisms, but his good heart makes up for it. He is a good friend of mine and I never have bad friends. I trust that the Lord leads me to who will help me become better and he is one of those people. He can do that for you, if you only stop torturing him with your own beliefs. Your beliefs don’t do good for him nor does it do good for you, so let him lead you because he is a great example of goodness on earth. 

Stop treating him like a dog. Please. He deserves so much more than that. It pains me to see a good friend in pain because you refuse to see what he is worth. 

Why do people find ways to complicate another person’s life? Is it very difficult for you to stop being so cynical and rude? Do you not understand that no part of me has the guts to ever talk to you about this because I am afraid of what you might say? You are so lethal with your words and I do not like fighting others. Do people have to be so mean and immature all the time? 

The world is perfect the way it is, but some people have to ruin it for positive people like me. You’re lucky that I have a good heart. You’re very lucky that I’m not aggressive like you because in all honesty, I don’t understand how people like you can live with that kind of lifestyle. I’m glad that I’m not like you. I’m glad that I don’t have to put up with that because I was raised beautifully by my family. 

Ben, Reece, Nick and I were hanging out in Ben’s room one night. Reece was playing with the Ben’s recording programs on his computer. We found on and decided to embarrass our friend, Reece.

This is a recording of Reece DESPERATELY trying to rap Eminem’s part in Drop the World. LOL FAIL EVERYWHERE.

but i’m currently drowning myself in online computer parts shopping because i’m in need to upgrade my pc. i can’t find anything worthy though… now this sucks big time hahaha.

i need to distract myself better.

it’s 8.30am and i haven’t slept because i’ve been working on this huge project for school. i haven’t had time to have an actual meal because nick and i screwed up our calculations so we had to map out everything from scratch. we checked our ratios but we couldn’t find the area where we screwed up. it made sense on paper but when we started making our scale model, it didn’t make sense. the hyperboloid structure was weird so we messed up somewhere there but we couldn’t spot it. maybe because of stress and annoyance so, we decided to just repeat the whole process but now we have to work faster and squish 3 days of calculations and sketching to 1 day. fantastic. this is insane, i tell you! i hate that we have to show our calculations in this class. :| i can’t wait to get into my higher years where they don’t check this area of work anymore.